ORDER ONLY: Private message to Tonks

[alt_charlie]

I still can't get over the idea that the whole mad scheme actually did something. Well, I mean, we don't know yet if it did what Dumbledore thought it might do magically, but Agrippa's sword and Merlin's staff, WE MADE A PERSON. Or are making a person! Or, well, you're making the person, I'm just standing here and cheering you on, but you know what I mean.

I'll repeat what I said when you told me: whatever you need or want me to do, yeah? I won't hover, but just say the word. I've told Dree and Em -- they both say congratulations and best of luck, by the way -- and they both told me I should also tell you to order me around as much as you want.

And Snape pulled me aside after the meeting and said there's a potion that will help even more with the nausea and used to be prescribed for pregnant witches because it helps strengthen the baby's magic, but it's not used as much anymore because it requires fluxweed, plus dragon scales harvested from a living dragon under the light of a waxing moon. I've sent him the scales, and he said that since he isn't using so much of the fluxweed in his Polyjuice, he should be able to harvest some for this. At least if you're going to be making a person, you've got a potions master at hand to brew for you! (Em said he'd offer, too, but he's not as good with the medicinals, so you'd be better off with the St M's potioneers. I didn't tell him we had wanted fugitives doing our brewing instead.)

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[alt_nymphadora]

It is mad, isn't it?

And mad how as soon as I knew I was knocked up I started to feel ill, but not before. Frankly, I'd have been as happy to go on not realising!

I've been reading back in my journal, as you do when something like this happens. I see that two and a half months before the end, I was swearing I'd never have another one--so there's something to look forward to! And I can tell you I had loads more time for writing entries that were meant to make people think the Ponds were a slightly dim couple of nice, normal people running a rather hopeless little shop in a slow part of town. Can't say I miss giving Farty chances to pop in and say horrible things to me. But it made me realise that I used to keep in touch a bit with Aunt Narcissa, and I hadn't even thought about writing her in all this. I suppose I should do.

That won't be half awkward.

[alt_charlie]

Ugh, yes, it will be. Still, it might be good to keep those lines open a bit? If we turn out to think of something we can do to help, I mean, it might be better if she's used to thinking about you again.

(I still can't get over the thought that we've been spending so much time working out ways to save Lucius-sodding-Malfoy from the consequences of his choices. But I know better than to say that. And I guess if we're supposed to be the good guys, that means we're supposed to save as many people as possible from Voldemort even if that means saving people we'd rather see hang. But I digress.)

I promise that in six months or so when you're cursing everything and everyone, I will hunt down Dumbledore and bring him by so you can hex his bits. It can be my Christmas present to you!

[alt_nymphadora]

Yes, I've been poking at what to say. I'll get something written to her this afternoon. I suppose it won't say much more than, 'Dear Auntie N, so sorry for your loss'.

(I'm not sure how I feel about all that. To be honest, I've been thinking about myself so much that I really didn't have any thoughts about it until the meeting. And then, well, the other thing I read when I was looking back in my journal was how we went that winter to see the public display of 'Sirius's body' at Buckingham, and what really struck me when I got there was that the body belonged to somebody. Somebody they'd killed and transfigured and stuck in that box. Somebody with family who'd never know what became of him (or her--it could've been a her).

And I wrote that, and we talked about how appalling it was that Voldemort or the Ministry or whoever would have done that. Sirius said he hoped they'd picked a body out of the morgue, but we knew it could as easily have been someone they just picked at random and murdered.

You see where my thoughts are taking me, don't you?

Ian Flynn was a horrible git. You remember him, don't you? But I looked up his obituary. There was one. He has two children. A toddler and a baby--boy and a girl. And a wife. And parents. And a sister. I'd forgotten about her. She wasn't a bad sort, you know? Younger than we are a few years in my House.

Anywiz, the thing is it's not simple. Except for the part where we're the ones killing people now to make fake corpses of them.)

Oh, do bring Dumbledore round when I get so I can't stand it. Wait till I'm big as an erumpent and bumping into doorways and having to use the loo every six minutes. I'll be looking for people to hex!

[alt_charlie]

I remember that. I remember being so glad that all happened while I was still low man on the roster and couldn't get free to go show loyal. I don't think I thought much about who the body was, but you're right, it was ultimately the same thing, wasn't it?

I do remember Flynn. He was miserable -- I said on the post about the minutes, do you remember Hillary Bradley? She was a firstie when we were fourth-years. Little mousy thing back then, so scared of her own shadow we all kept wondering why she'd Sorted Gryffindor. Except it wasn't that she was timid, it was that Flynn tormented her, and did it in a really nasty way that made her think she was imagining everything. And he was awful to us, too -- I had to learn warding right quick to make sure he didn't mess with my trunk when I wasn't in the dorm.

But -- yeah, you're right, I guess. He had people who loved him. And for all that I'm not surprised he only got worse when he got a bit of power, and for all that the world may very well be (is probably) better off without him in it, it's hard to think about it too closely, that we're in the business of playing judge and jury and deciding who lives and who dies, now. I mean, there has to be a way to handle the sort of people who are awful like that and dangerous to others and part of the worst parts of this whole regime, but what gives us the right?

I won't lose sleep over him and I'm glad the people in that camp don't have to deal with him lording it over them anymore, but I worry about deciding it's too easy and doing it again and again. Especially since there are plenty of people in the Order who are willing to break the eggs to make the omelette, you know?

Ugh. Too much to think about.

If you want someone to look over what you're going to write to Narcissa, I'll do it if you want. And let's make a deal right now, when you get to the point of wanting to hex everyone in the world, I'll go out and find you people to hex in exchange for not being a target myself!

[alt_nymphadora]

That's a bargain made. I can't imagine I'll be wanting to hex you. But then, I did get shouty with Remus more than once or twice, so who knows. I'm a perfect lamb until I'm not.

So to Narcissa, I've just written:

Dear Aunt Narcissa, I want you to know that I am very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to lose a child. So, so terrible. And when I read of Mr Malfoy's being sent away--truly, my thoughts are with you. If there is any way Junius or I could be of help, please let me know. With sympathy, Nymphadora.

Does that last bit sound as false to you as it does to me? But it's what one's meant to say, isn't it?

Should we send a hamper, do you think? Actually, no. I can't even think about what would go in it.

[alt_charlie]

I think it sounds lovely, actually. A bit formal, but not too stilted. Maybe take out the "So, so terrible", though, that sentence does sound a little like you're overdoing it, and change "being sent away" to something a bit more euphemistic like "Mr Malfoy's misfortune" or some such?

And not a hamper, they're probably drowning in them -- Percy used to talk about the kind of things people used to send the Malfoys for Christmas and I can only imagine it's worse for a death in the family. Maybe check the obituary again? I only glanced at it, but don't people usually say something about where to send donations instead of flowers? Not that Narcissa would care that you sent something, but not sending one would probably be a breech of that pureblood etiquette they care so much about.

And I like you because you're not a perfect lamb, you know. More interesting that way. I was joking about the hexing part, but in all seriousness, if you do feel like getting shouty with someone, or just want a shoulder to lean against or someone to piss and moan to, I will be at your service at any hour of night or day, luv. I've never thought it was right that it takes two to tango but then the woman gets stuck with nine months of baking the baby before it's ready to join the rest of us. I can't do that part, but I can do anything else you need or want me to.

(Merlin's manky underpants, we're making a person. Still can't wrap my head around it. I know you've been down this road before, but it's all new to me!)

[alt_nymphadora]

Ta. I used all of your ideas.

And I told Remus to look into making a donation. That's just the thing.

(I know, what? We're making a person! And I can't think of anyone I'd rather be doing that with.)

(I mean that.)

[alt_charlie]

Well, I certainly can't think of anybody else who'd be mad enough to do this with me, yeah? Still can't quite believe it, though. I'm sure it'll sink in in another week or two.

And, get this. I don't know what prompted this, but Mum's decided she wants to invite everyone's girlfriends for Sunday supper this week. Namely, Sally-Anne, Pansy, and Rachel, but she also asked me if there was anyone I'd like her to invite, too, because she "doesn't want to make assumptions". Which was very sweet of her. (I didn't have the heart to tell her that if she didn't want to make assumptions, she shouldn't say 'she' by default. I'll have that talk with her one of these days.)

I told her I didn't have anyone I wanted her to add to the guest list, and that she knows me, I'm not the settling down type, which is all true. But we should probably have another talk sometime soonish about what we're going to tell her, and when, and all that.

I don't want to lie to her outright! But I don't mind a bit of misdirection for a bit. And I don't want you to feel like I'm, I don't know, ashamed or something. If you want someone to mother over you, we could tell her any day now, I'll think of some way to do it that won't give her the wrong impression, and you'll have all the mothering you could possibly want. But I don't want to unleash the full force of Mum being Mum on you if that's not what you want, especially not Mum in My First Grandbaby mode. So it's all up to you.

(She did say she'd suspected you were up the duff, not in as many words, though -- said you had "that glow" about you. Have to say she's right, you do look radiant. Or possibly like you're going to crack up at any second. Which is still how I feel.)

[alt_nymphadora]

...

Did you want to tell her, then? I didn't realise...

I thought, maybe... Well, I thought you might not want her thinking of us as a sort of family, you know? When she doesn't know about Em and Dree, at all. Because she couldn't help but have the wrong idea, you know? No matter what you say, really, she'll wish the wrong sorts of things.

[alt_charlie]

Oh, love, that's not it! Well. It is, a bit, but not because I don't want her getting the wrong idea about you in particular, more that I don't want her getting the wrong idea about me and relationships and deciding that just because I'm seeing someone means it's something big and permanent and, well, the kind of thing she and Dad had. I can talk her down from that eventually, though, I'm pretty good at managing Mum's expectations by now, or at least better than I was when I was fifteen.

If you wanted to tell her, I can work out a way to do it. It'd be awkward for a bit, but survivable! And besides, I can just blame Dumbledore. I just don't want you to have to deal with setting all the boundaries you'd probably want to set. If you'd find the full force of Mum wanting to mother you to be comforting, then I'm all for telling her. If you'd find it irritating, we should probably wait a bit. Or not tell her at all.

And if we do that, we'll have to watch what we say, because she's good at spotting things. She wrote to me that she's pretty sure Remus isn't the father, because of how he looked when you announced it. (And was implying that she'd almost wondered if Bill could be the father!) I'll show you the message next time I'm down there.

(Which is looking like it might be tonight, actually, if there isn't any disaster. Touch wood.)

Actually, the more I think about it, the more not telling her at all, ever, doesn't seem like it would work. Especially if Baby gets the bad luck of coming out looking like me, Mum will spot it, and then be horribly hurt that we let her find out by herself. But waiting until Baby's born, that we can justify. Especially by blaming Dumbledore.