Order Only Private Message to Bill Weasley

[alt_charlie]

I think I've finally put my finger on why I've been so upset lately. And so quiet, because it's the kind of thing that never sounds right outside your own head.

I can't get over what Poppy did. For Dolohov. Healing one of them, with a potion I risked my life all of our lives the whole Order, really a lot of things to get her the ingredients for.

I understand why she did it. More than Mum some people in the Order might, really: I know that when you're in the middle of an emergency, you do what you need to do, and you deal with the consequences later. I've done it myself. But when we do it here, it's accepting the risk of injury in order to heal an injured dragon, things like that. Not using an unreplaceable resource to save the life of someone who's chosen to do horrible things. Someone who's trying to coax children into thinking those horrible things are right and just.

I've been reading some of the journals of the Jr Aux lately, to try to get a feel for who they are and who they could be in a few years: did you see what he said to Parkinson tonight? Ugh. I wish I could argue with him in public. I wish I could show them that not everyone falls for his smarmy rationalisations. I wish I could tear off that pleasant mask and show everyone the monster that lives underneath it. For all of them, really, but especially for him, because he makes it all sound so neat and logical and romantic and right, and really it's that he's warping the world around those kids until they might not be able to tell what right even is anymore.

I can't blame Poppy for saving him in the heat of the moment. But I'm upset that he was saved. If that makes any sense. (It probably doesn't.) And I don't want to say anything to her about it, because I know she's probably still in pieces about having done it and I don't want to make it worse for her.

Ugh.

Let's talk about something that doesn't have even a hint of awful in it. Might have to go hunting for a topic, but, yeah. I think I need something nice for a while. I carved a pawn tonight, out of pear wood. It's nowhere near as good as the ones in the set I traded Greg for, for Ron's Christmas gift -- it's lopsided and doesn't sit straight when you set it down -- but Greg says it's a good start, at least.

Chess? Your turn to start us off.

Comments

[alt_bill]

I don't blame you a bit, honestly. I understand that paradox: you can't hate Poppy, exactly, but you wish he hadn't been saved. It stinks, there's no question about it, even if Poppy regrets the hurt her choice caused. That helps a little. But not enough.

I think Mum's managed to mostly put it aside for now, but she managed it only with lots of baby therapy: she's been showing up at Moddey Dhoo in the afternoons and rocking the kids in the nursery.

Too bad it isn't so easy for you to cuddle a dragon. Even the little ones will bite your hands off. I hope that going off to be by yourself and mulling it over helped some at least?

I suppose we can only hope that some good will come of it, somehow. Dunno how, but it isn't entirely impossible, you know. I can imagine several different scenarios where Dolohov might end up standing between our Junior Auxiliary members and something truly dreadful. PARTICULARLY with dear Madam Umbridge looking to hex anything in her way. Say what you will about Dolohov's morals (and I agree that he's scum and a two-faced monster), but he IS politically astute and bloody good with that wand, curse him. I mean, I hope to Merlin that nothing would threaten the kids, but after all, this IS a school where a madman offed a student not so long ago.

I know that's precious little comfort. But I think Terry's right, that there has to be some reason to choose to be on the side of mercy rather than mayhem, other than simply strategic. Anyway, Dad thought so, which certainly counts with me. Maybe we can't see those reasons when things get dark, especially when it feels like our opponents are winning because they're willing to do anything. But that hope is all we have to hang onto--that, and the comfort that we're not letting ourselves become as rotten as our enemies. That way, we might do a better job of living with ourselves afterward, if we ever manage to throw off the yoke of this regime once and for all.

Oh...Fred and George passed on some information about Ginny. They're angling to figure out what's on her mind, and especially why she took that risk of writing to us under the Private Message lock, given that she knew Umbridge was having students read messages like that aloud. So they had Evelyn Longbottom speak to her, figuring that might go over better than trying to strike up a conversation with her themselves, since she seems to be rather hacked off at her brothers now. Evelyn sounded her out on her opinions about blood status. Ginny said that being treated like a half-blood was utterly humiliating (that punishment from Umbridge, you know), but Evelyn extracted an admission from her that blood status is arbitrary. Which is better than where Percy is at, I guess. One other thing: Ginny flared up and became stroppy when Evelyn poked into her trunk. Wouldn't have thought much of that except that Ron reported later that Ginny was spotted taking something that Evelyn had seen in her trunk--a wooden box, about the size of a textbook--and ditching it in a charmed room at Hogwarts. Seemed furtive about it, according to Ron. Mum doesn't have any idea what was in the box, based on the description. Do you?

I have an extra chess board and pieces, if you need me to send it to you. It's a bit battered, but better than nothing. Did Remus show you the set that Terry made and sent him for Christmas? It was bloody marvelous: he made the whole thing out of sea shells. The knights were dried seahorses, mounted on shells, too. Really striking.

Speaking of chess: I'll start off with d4.