Order Only: Private message to Alice and Bill

[alt_charlie]

Right, realised I hadn't updated you on us all talking over the past few days about what we could do about Percy. We went over and over and over it, and everyone tried as hard as they could to come up with something we could do to keep him from getting killed, and we just couldn't, any more than we could come up with a way to get him out of Malfoy's clutches before.

We thought about Saltash, but Percy wouldn't want to stay there, he'd tell everyone once he escaped, and we couldn't risk giving him the secret. We thought of a regular safehouse, but look what happened with Ridley. We even thought of trying to get some of our more Slytherin members to come up with some brilliant scheme that Percy could go through with to get more prestige, and to work out some way to save himself, but of course there's the problem of getting him to listen, and it's not as if he's been all that eager to do much listening.

Eventually we all decided -- pretty reluctantly -- that it wasn't fair for us to ask the Order to put loads of time and effort into saving Percy from the consequences of his own decisions.

Mind you, Mum's not happy about it. (Nor was she happy at overhearing Rachel and Ron talking about his Auror internship, I don't think it had really sunk in for her what he was having to do, but that's another story. It wasn't a big blowup, just a little awkward for a while.) So I'd step a bit cautiously with her for a while.

Bill, am I missing anything?

Comments

[alt_alice]

Thank you, Charlie.

I know it was a difficult decision.

I'm sorry.

I'll make sure to have your mum over for tea this week, so we can have some space to work through it a little.

Private message to Alice

[alt_charlie]

Honestly, and it feels so fucking cold for me to say this, I am having a really hard time feeling bad about what's happened.

We tried, Alice. We tried so hard, for so long, and he pissed on us over and over and over again. He cares about two things and two things only, power and prestige. He's not following Voldemort because he agrees with the party line, although he has convinced himself he agrees with it. He's following Voldemort because Voldemort can give him a path to power.

I can't see anything Mum and Dad did wrongly, or any way we could have reached him that we didn't try. I hate to believe that some people are irredeemable, or that some people are just born without a conscience, or whatever. But I'm having a very, very hard time getting worked up over the idea of Percy's chickens coming home to roost. He's made it so clear that he wants nothing to do with us.

He made his own bed, and I'm having a real hard time being upset at him having to lie in it.

(And then things shift and I'm looking at it from Mum's perspective and thinking, what happens if Baby winds up in that spot someday, what will I do, and it all falls apart and I'm upset again. But you don't need to hear my angst about that, nobody really does.)

Re: Private message to Alice

[alt_alice]

No judgement here, love.

I know how much it hurts to see a brother walk away.

Families are messy, and part of it is that you know all the weak places in everyone else's armour, and they know yours. And when you trust and love one another, you protect those weak spots, but if things get bitter or strained, it's more painful than it would be with anyone else.

And oh, Charlie, there's so much crushing fear that comes with being a parent. Especially when it's for the first time. When Neville was a baby, I would sit and stare at him while he slept, just watching him breathe, terrified that he'd stop if I looked away.

Did I ever tell you that my boggart was him showing me his Dark Mark and laughing at me?

Re: Private message to Alice

[alt_charlie]

No. No, you didn't, but I can see where it would be. I just

well

I can't wait to meet Baby, and find out who he or she is. I mean, Tonks and I keep stopping and getting overwhelmed again and again by the thought that we're making a person. But then it all falls in on me again, how we're making a person and we're going to be bringing that person into this world under these circumstances, and for all that Baby's going to have, well, dozens of people who could take him or her in if anything happened to me or Tonks, that thought is enough to start up the shakes.

(And I can't help but wonder how much of all my worry is that we didn't decide to start Baby cooking because we were married and in love and felt like we couldn't not, which leads me to wondering if there'll be any kind of long-term repercussions about that whole rite Dumbledore had us doing, which works me around again to being terrified again, and really, I'm not going to ask "when does it ever get easier", because I know you're going to tell me "it doesn't".)

I mean. I don't regret it. And I can't think of anybody more suited to this mad idea than Tonks and I are for each other, because we might be feeling it out as we go but we can at least talk about it. But ... yeah. A few sleepless nights, let me tell you.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention. Mum wasn't the only one who was upset at the idea of leaving Percy to his own fate. Ginny's taking it hard, she was always very close to him. She didn't argue too heavily for us to do something for him, but it's sitting poorly on her. I don't know that there's anything you can do to help her, but it's something else you should probably know.

Re: Private message to Alice

[alt_alice]

I can see how it would be utterly terrifying, yes. Terrifying and full of hope all at the same time.

I know that you will be an incredible father. You are so full of compassion and love, dear heart. Not to mention patience and common sense. And the fact that you and Tonks are communicating, that you're going in eyes wide open -- you are doing everything you can to make this work for you both as you are, and that's so very important.

The biggest unspoken secret of parenting is that there really is no one way to do things. And you hear stories of how it's supposed to be, and what it's supposed to look like, but that's just a fantasy. You just do the best you can with what you have, and hope for the best.

I'll be sure to talk to Ginny.

Re: Private message to Alice

[alt_charlie]

Oh, damn it, now you've gone and gotten me all sniffly.

But, well, thank you. It's good to hear that kind of vote of confidence from someone else I guess. I mean, I think I'll be all right at the job -- and I certainly had an excellent role model -- but it's the sort of thing I can't really let myself think of too much, or let myself think about all the details, because every time I do I start to get this swimmy-headed feeling. There's just so much.

I know I was the one to say we shouldn't tell Mum, at least not at first, not until things are a little more settled and we figure out a way to tell her that won't leave her thinking Tonks and I are, I dunno, like her and Dad were. And I don't want to put Tonks through the pressure of Mum pinning all her hopes on her about grandchildren and all. But I'm starting to wish, just a little, that I could talk to her about it. Mum, I mean. And I know that if I told Tonks it was important to me, she'd say yeah, go ahead, and we'd figure out a way to do it that wouldn't be awful, but I don't want to toss that into the mix in the middle of, you know, making a new person. Not when it's not what we agreed to.

But I can't help thinking of Mum getting pregnant with Ginny in the midst of a war, and wondering what she felt. And how scared she was, for all of us. And then I think of Percy again, and ... yeah.

Re: Private message to Alice

[alt_alice]

Well, love, that's certainly something you and Tonks can talk through. And believe me, talking is so very important. Leaving these sorts of things unsaid can leave room for misunderstandings. And resolving to be good at communicating means every now and then, you revisit the terms, because things change.

And I know it's not the same, of course it isn't, but if either of you want to talk to me about anything, I'm here.

[alt_bill]

I think that about covers the gist of it, yeah.

Having Mum over for tea would be greatly appreciated, Alice. I think this is something it would be best for her to talk out with another parent.

Private message to Alice Longbottom

[alt_bill]

I may have struggled with the decision the longest.

Charlie and the twins and Ron and I all agree that Percy's made his choices, and sometimes it's impossible to save someone who seems determined to drown himself. Mum and Ginny argued with us, but you could tell their hearts weren't quite in it. He's hurt them, too.

But there's a part of me that still the protective older brother who wants to rescue him, even if he doesn't deserve it.

And since Dad died, I've felt like the head of the family (although for Merlin's sake, never repeat that to Ron). I keep thinking about Dad, that he always thought there was hope for everyone. He even died saving Selwyn.

Those two things are what makes it so painful and difficult for me to let him go and suffer the natural consequences of his actions.

Re: Private message to Alice Longbottom

[alt_alice]

Oh, Bill.

I'm so very sorry.

Yes, your dad did save Selwyn -- because he believed it was the right and decent thing to do, regardless of Selwyn's position and past actions. Because he saw Selwyn as a person. Not necessarily even a good person, or someone who might end up doing something redeeming, but as a fellow human being in immediate and critical need.

This is not a single moment of crisis. It is a slow, agonising slip down a treacherous path of his own making. It is difficult to watch, as there is not a single point of intervention that could halt it, but it is the accumulation of a million choices made along the way. And you have made an effort, all of you, to show him the consequences of his actions.

Yes. All people are worth trying to save. But sometimes, people do their very best to make saving them impossible, which is a hard reality to face.

Although we can hold hope in our hearts, ultimately, redemption is up to him. We cannot force it, or assume its inevitability, and holding him against his will would only harden his heart. But these things take time if they are to happen at all, and it is a tragedy pure and simple that he may not have enough of it remaining to sort things out on his own, and that is what makes me the most sorrowful.